These past few weeks have been a serious struggle for me, and I keep grappling with the same questions: Is it possible to lose weight and be happy without constantly putting yourself on a diet?
Everyday I experience the same internal conflict. Should I eat that, will it help me in my goal towards happiness? Why is it that I associate my eternal happiness with being a certain weight? Why can’t I be proud of how far I have come? That I have lost 86 pounds thus far?
I am constantly striving for perfection in everything I do, and my most challenging roller coaster towards perfection is attempting to make every food choice a perfect one. When I fall from perfection, I fall hard, and punish myself for again failing to do everything right. Often I find it difficult to accept myself as I am, and I have found it overwhelming to spend every waking moment thinking about food. Should I eat that birthday cake flavored ice cream, or opt for yet another chocolate flavored protein shake? Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? I live my life in extremes. I can spend days, even weeks eating pristinely and with such perfection that people think I have it all figured out. I calculate my food choices, and have restrictions of what I can and cannot eat. But these restrictions are followed by real life struggles with over eating and eventually it becomes too difficult to refrain from listening to the small whispers that tell me to indulge.
I can fall apart at an overwhelmingly rapid rate, and I again turn to food to mask the emotional conflicts in my life. Stress…Unhappiness..Anxiety…Fear of the Future…Fear of Love.. All of these emotions and thoughts trigger a deep desire that I have to use food as my emotional fix. Rather than acknowledging that specific emotion or feeling, I choose to ignore it and replace that feeling with something delectable. So yet again, I turn to food and over eating for comfort, and I find myself feeling less than comforted. These moments of weakness and struggle, leave me feeling defeated and disappointed in myself for choosing food instead of myself.
When will the day come that I don’t battle with choosing to restrict what I eat or alternatively, over eat? I want to be able to truly enjoy food without making certain foods off limits, and stop turning to food when I feel that I can’t handle the unexpected turns that life throws my way. For now I will continue to take each day one day at a time, and learn to listen to my body and my feelings. My life, and my choices may not always be perfect, but instead of ignoring the complexity of difficult experiences, I choose to embrace them, and live for the wonderful moments that are intermittent with the not so great times. I am me, and I am perfectly imperfect.